Things that I didn't say...

Yesterday was Luci's day. It was his 29th wonderful year on this planet and I tried my hardest to make it special for him, since it is the first really big occasion we are going to celebrate together as a couple. I did a lot for him - went to extra miles to get everything ready for his special day and yet, I really felt that it wasn't enough.

These are the things I did for him:

• I gave him a surprise early Birthday party last March 13, 2010 wherein his very best friends came and I met them for the first time.
• I gave him postcards and tried to have a wax seal made for him (still under process)
• Gave him a birthday card.
• Made him Gir (dog and bot versions) in crochet.
• We went to Ocean Park yesterday and I spent the WHOLE day with him. =)

It seems a little compared to the way I feel that it should be celebrated. I know, I know some of you think that it's enough. Maybe some would say that I have gone far and beyond expectation of what girlfriends should be doing. But I feel quite the opposite. I want to do soooo much more, but lack of funds, lack of time and lack of freedom would hinder me from doing so. Maybe I should be content on what I have done and hope that he loved and enjoyed them.

Yesterday, we went to Ocean Park. It was fun. We ate at Makansutra (Asian Food Village) and pigged out (literally) on Pad Thai, Satay and the like. Then we looked at fish in the park and had fun just being like children and relaxing. It wasn't really the place that we're at that mattered. It was the company. Honestly, we could be in Luneta walking around and it would still rock, just the same. He's easy company. I have fun when I am with him. He cracks me up with his jokes, makes me feel beautiful and wanted. He makes me feel like I don't have to try to be someone else around him. He loves me for ME. And NO ONE, as in NO OTHER GUY has done that for me. PERIOD.

He loves me for who I am, for simply being me. He loves me completely. He lets me fly and tells me what a wonderful person I am. He gave me my wings back. And that 's what I love about him.

I could go on and on about him, but I am going to completely miss the purpose of this blog if I do. I will leave that for another entry and get back to my story.

While looking at fish yesterday, I stared up at him and he looked down at me and asked. "Whyyy??" He usually does that anyway, when I just simply looked at him. Normally, I would banter, but yesterday, I couldn't. I looked away and smiled. I said it was nothing. He insisted it was something. I left it at that. There were things I could not say at the moment, because I fear that I would cry that moment.

But what I really wanted to say was this:

Love, I want to thank you. Just for being with me, for accepting me for who and what I am completely - No IFs nor buts. Thank you for wanting to dream with me, allowing me to fly, allowing me to rant and listening to me. Thank you for being that person who would slap me in the face if I was being stupid - it shows how much you love me because you don't want me to fall into harm. Thank you for making plans with me- for showing me honest, true and complete love that you are not afraid to show to ANYONE.

Thank you for being you. For being cynical, logical, very non-magnanimous, because of you I learn that I should never be too emotional. Love, thank you so much for believing in me when no one has done so. You have given me the boost that I needed for so long. You never made me feel insecure about myself. You made me happy to work, you challenged me and made me feel very alive.

Thank you for being honest with me. For being straight up with your feelings. Thank you also for just being there. I love having someone to communicate my everything to. You are now my closest friend, my confidante, my heart and my partner.

In this stage of our relationship, where we are still getting to know each other and making sure that things are going to the right path. Allow me to apologize in advance for any stupidity, tactlessness, insensitivity or any other random hurts that I may give you. Please know that I love you and have never loved anyone this complete and honest as you.

I am scared of what I am feeling for you. Because I could be so candid with you and helpless. I have fallen completely in love with you. I have known you for so long that I am comfortable with you. I always thought back to the 4C days when you were beside me. Being seatmates with you was so comfortable that I never changed seats kahit nung magkakatabi na sila Cams, Ella at Czari. I guess, I knew back then that you were just right for me. I just didnt know the full breadth of it at that time.

I hope you know that I am doing a lot of FIRSTS with you. This is the first time I actually took all the effort to introduce my beau to my family - with timing and with being proud of you. I want them to talk to you and see what a wonderful person you are. This is the first time that my mom dressed me for dates and that I really prepare for them. It's the first time I completely let go, let loose and be myself with ANYONE. I am truly being ILOU with you. This is me without the pretensions. This is me - whether you like me or not.

I am so happy with you. I know I want to do everything right with you. I want that future with you. I want you to be my future. I want us to happen. You are my second chance, the answer to my prayers and the person who I want to grow old with. Sana, ikaw na nga yun.

Sappy? Just a little bit. But this is it. This is what I truly feel about him.

I guess... I'm in it for good. I can't wait to see him tommorow.

Oh btw .. the rest of the day with him can be found comic style HERE

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Mr. Just-Right Checklist

Here is the list i wrote waaaaaaaaaay back in 2nd year college of the ideal man / my mr. just-right.... the ones marked in RED are the ones which Luci crossed out.

1. Responsible guy with a job
2. reasonably cute (chinito preferred)
3. smart/intelligent (or at least has semblance of a brain)
4. Loves music (old school/new)
5. Loves anime/ japanese entertainment
6. interested in my hobbies/ likes
7. funny and likes to have fun
8. has passion for something
9. likes kids
10. is a gamer/ geek
11. understands my fandoms/ geekiness
12. likes to read
13. has individuality (no like drones)
14. has strength of character
15. is a MAN (real man, not a boy)
16. could be my best friend
17. must love animals
18. must be firm and mature
19. can control me gently
20. someone i can trust COMPLETELY. NO IFS or BUTS.
21. Someone who listens to me
22. Someone with goals
23. loyal (one man woman)
24. is a child within as well (playful)
25. romantic/ sweet

Now... I wonder, why I didn't see Luci back then?

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Labeless Love

What is Romance? I swear, if anyone tells me that it's defined by sweet nothings, flowers, chocolates and teddy bears, I will so scream. Honestly. Romantic ideas are passe to me know - in the Been there, done that kind of way. Though, I still like the idea of presents (who wouldn't?) I found myself not really counting them in my list of things I find important for a partner. I also don't like the idea of LABELS in a relationship.

Things like boyfriend/girlfriend are mere adjectives to me. To me, labels are passe -- and they just add confusion and pressure to couples.Though, admittedly the claiming of a "label" is thrilling to some, it's not for me. Because labels, are what they are, just names -adjectives to describe something or someone. It doesn't really define what or who the person is to you.

Sometimes, a label is all that is! There was no feeling or no deep connection between them them. Sometimes, the label could be the source of confusion where as feelings and deep connections could really be the defining point of things. Labels bring expectations and expectations that are not met bring confusion, frustration, anger and all negative things.

And who needs that?

To me, a Labelless love would suit me just fine. If someone asks me Who is he in your life? Rather than say "My Boyfriend" or something, I would rather say "the one who makes me smile everyday" I think, that is a better "Label" rather than BOYFRIEND.

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Random Thoughts of a Narcoleptic

I was out of the office today. Luckily. I was half asleep the whole day. Narcoleptic because I didnt get sleep. Things were a bit off lately... people keep telling me what to do and not to do and last night I just snapped. Sometimes it's better to just say it out loud than keep it in.

I learned to reel in myself last night and also open up enough to keep my dignity. I learned to defend my pride. God, was I proud of myself? yes. Because now, I know I could keep my emotions in check. I didn't cry as much. Logical thinking - yes.

I'm listening to a song right now that was suggested on a friend's playlist. ( he's got amazing taste in music -- i swear playlist raid!) I love the song. I love the lyrics. will learn on guitar.

Don't Say Goodbye, Say Goodnight

Binocular

i lie awake and feel your nearness i never wanted more than this

i don't wanna run beneath your tears
i don't wanna catch them when they're falling
But its the same old song playin over and over
now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
i hope to see the dawn of daybreak and the sun rise to cloudless skies
and now i've tried to see the truth but i close my eyes
and you were there for me and i was there for you
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
but now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
it's goodbye

Thanks Luci

Anyway, there is forgiveness, but I cannot forget... there is trust to be rebuilt.

Still hoping for something to start...hmmm

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Secreat Admirers

I guess there are still a few romantics in this world. Today, my friend, Ms. Jo got that humongous teddy bear, a bouquet of flowers, and that mini pillow from an anonymous benefactor. It came during Friday high. When everyone is seriously trying to get everything done, and get out of there to start their weekends. So it was a surprise when the cadets came in with flowers and that huge stuffed animal from Blue Magic.

Of course, we were overwhelmed. There were teasings, cat calls and bets on who it was and Jo was totally flabbergasted. I couldnt contain my curiosity and dove for the card. I practically fell on my knees when it said.

Ms. Joan G,
I love you so much!
Love,
your Secreat Admirer

I was amazed not only because of the amazing spelling of SECRET but also with the boldness and honesty of emotion of whoever gave it to her. I was half kidding when I said that "Jo, di ko kinaya, tinalo mo ang beauty ko. Sino man yan, pakasalan mo na! Laki ng effort sayo! Ang laki ng pagmamahal sa iyo!" Aside from the fact that I was green with envy because I admit that I want a big teddy bear and some romance too, I was also thinking about how many guys would do that in this day and age! She was lucky she found one that was a bit out of the times or just a plain romantic. (Even if we do not know who he is).

I am not new to this. I have my list of secret admirers too. I had a stalker who sent me an engagement ring, a secret admirer who would pay my bills ( I admit he was useful) and a secret admirer who would just text me advice at the right time and would never give his name. Then again, there was the creepy, the corny and worst of all - the annoying.

There is the thrill of knowing someone loves you even if you don't know them. Then again, a big part of you is curious to know who that person is. And me with my impatience and curiosity, I get really annoyed at the fact that people do this behind your back. I mean, why not just get out and say it? Why not be straight up with your feelings? I mean, you already said it! You already gave it and showed the person you liked them. WHY NOT JUST TELL THEM UPFRONT!? I am sure, anyone who is not stonehearted or numb would appreciate the gesture or even respect feelings that you will bring in front of them. I know I do.

Guys that do that only play safe. Seriously, and I think by doing so they are cowards. If you do it once or twice while getting the courage to come up to the girl, that's forgivable. But being a "Secret Admirer" for eternity is dumb. The girl will never get to thank you. She will think that youre a coward and is not serious because you never show yourself. And who knows, what if she already loves/likes you and because of your cowardice, you never knew. It could happen.

So, for all those SECREAT ADMIRERS out there, a word of advice, women like men who can tell us that they love us. We appreciate the courage and the effort more of people who can look us in the eye and tell us in person their feelings. That way, we can let you know if you have a chance or if you should just give up the fight. And one more thing: please, PLEASE spell it right.

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