Mixed Signals

Welcome to the wonderful world of Dating - or not dating. "Hanging out" with that very interesting FRIEND on a Friday or Saturday night is simply innocent. (But you have to admit that that is what makes your weekend interesting, right?)

It's that thrill that we live for though, that uncertainty- the guessing game, the thrill of the chase. You wait for some one to call, text and sometimes it drives you insane if they don't. You deny to yourself that you don' t like them like them because you don't want to be disappointed if they end up NOT liking you.

But then, signals could go haywire and get confusing. It's worse than getting a rejection because you don't know whats going on. Do you go with it or just forget about it?

Here is a list of Mixed signals that me and my girls hate... feel free to comment and add to the list ...

Mixed signal #1: He holds your hand, he keeps the conversation light and easy but does not say anything.

Mixed signal #2: he says she just wants to be friends and then kisses you.

Mixed signal #3: He asks for your number but never calls.

Mixed signal #4:He always says yes when you ask him out or always asks you out and its just the two of you.

Mixed signal #5: He’s always complimenting you and taking you on lots of “dates,” but he doesn’t even try to kiss you on the lips.

From the experts:

"Let’s get something straight: Most guys aren’t interested in being just friends. If he’s whispering lots of sweet nothings and treating you to nice dinners or fun outings, then he’s into you—but he’s scared that you don’t feel the same. “Lots of guys are so afraid of rejection that they can’t make that first move,” says Feinstein. It’ll be up to you to get the ball rolling, she says. “You may think that your interest in him is obvious, but you’ll need to send some unambiguous clues that you want things to get physical,” she says. So try going for a kiss yourself, or, if that’s not your style, try some subtle moves: holding his hand, standing or sitting a wee bit closer to him than normal, or (here’s the clincher) letting your eyes linger on his lips while he’s talking to you. All clear signs that you’re saying, Kiss me you fool!"

Mixed signal #6: He buys you boyfriendy type gifts for your birthday, for Christmas, he gives you what he got everyone.

Mixed Signal #7: He says he loves you and then does not call or text at all and mysteriously disappears.

Mixed signal #8: He wants to hang out with you, and you only -- but he never says anything about what he is to you.

Mixed signal #9: He always ends up sitting next to you everywhere and waiting for you and talking to you - and he says its nothing.

Mixed signal # 10 : He treats you like a princess when youre together and then ignores you in a crowd.

Its just sad. when you dont know what you are to a person. Guys, don't do that. it hurts not only you but the person who the attentions are directed to. Why cant people be honest?

I know that I am. Sometimes though, my honesty gets me into trouble. But its better that he knows than for me to totally deny and hide it....

You know what.. I hate this.

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Seminars, Skype, Sleepies and Safari

TGIF. Thank GOD it's Friday. No more seminars, no more boring speakers and long talks, no more falling asleep on my chair. It's been two straight days of that since Wednesday. Both necessary evils for both of my careers ( both as a HR/Admin and as Real Estate Broker) and in both seminars, I became a beautiful dreaming narcoleptic.

Seminars like those are important -- very important at least to people like me who need updates every now and then. I know its a learning thing but speakers were not very engaging ( except the one from stateland. She was some kind of wonderful-- with a wonderful outfit! BUT! I was a damn narco that day lack of sleep) I hated most of all Pag-ibig funds ms. farm. UGH. Can you say sleeping pill in a package? UGH.

I was saved from ultra boredom and from being alone in yesterdays seminar by a good friend from the mother company. Such an angel -- and not to mention eye candy too. Well, he was kind enough to help me find a good seat and talk to me in the off times. It was good to get to know a new friend. Especially since we both work the same job. UGH. I am glad I am not alone to feel the Admin Hell I have eveyr 25-30 of month. :D

I AM NOT ALONE! YAY!

That night, I bonded with a couple friends over Skype. AMAZING TECHNOLOGY. I was talking to both a person from Singapore and from Las Pinas using my computer and the wonders of Voice over IP. We chatted about everything, caught up with each others lives ranted and totally was silly. It was a good feeling.

:D However, by the end of the evening, I was wasted.

I called a good friend and found that he was the same too. We were planning a weekend thing when he fell asleep on me. :) Poor person. He must be really tired. -- i couldnt blame him he wakes up at 4:30 to catch a shuttle that would take him from Alabang to Ortigas everyday and goes home at nonsensical hours of the night. I swear, I would call for help its a human rights violation! But aside from that, i think he's good. I worry... I really do...

maybe because... but who knows!?

wah.. i have a safari BPI buena mano thing tonight. I hope to enjoy. :D AHHHH EVEN IF I AM HILARIOUSLY TIRED...

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Random Thoughts of a Narcoleptic

I was out of the office today. Luckily. I was half asleep the whole day. Narcoleptic because I didnt get sleep. Things were a bit off lately... people keep telling me what to do and not to do and last night I just snapped. Sometimes it's better to just say it out loud than keep it in.

I learned to reel in myself last night and also open up enough to keep my dignity. I learned to defend my pride. God, was I proud of myself? yes. Because now, I know I could keep my emotions in check. I didn't cry as much. Logical thinking - yes.

I'm listening to a song right now that was suggested on a friend's playlist. ( he's got amazing taste in music -- i swear playlist raid!) I love the song. I love the lyrics. will learn on guitar.

Don't Say Goodbye, Say Goodnight

Binocular

i lie awake and feel your nearness i never wanted more than this

i don't wanna run beneath your tears
i don't wanna catch them when they're falling
But its the same old song playin over and over
now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
i hope to see the dawn of daybreak and the sun rise to cloudless skies
and now i've tried to see the truth but i close my eyes
and you were there for me and i was there for you
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
but now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
it's goodbye

Thanks Luci

Anyway, there is forgiveness, but I cannot forget... there is trust to be rebuilt.

Still hoping for something to start...hmmm

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... Follow the gut feel...

Today I learned a valuable lesson on trust, love, friendship and all things in between. Sometimes, you really have to trust your instincts, and your friends. When your friends says that he's a bad person for you, you should think about dating such person -- or proceed with caution as they say. But I was naive and tried to see the good in each person and maybe that's where I was wrong.

You see, smart as I am, my heart is stupid. My heart falls in love at a drop of a hat, a woo, a single touch -- its hotwired to be hypersensitive to romance. Perhaps this is the VALENTINA side they call me for. I was born the day before Valentines day. Doh. I really have to learn to reel it in or cover it slightly with ice again so it becomes something useful again. Right now, I feel that my heart is totally malfunctioning with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not head over heels totally in love with the person. I like him - as a friend because so far, besides the RED FLAGS and LIGHTS that my friends give me, i still follow what my heart says. Be nice, let him love you. Maybe he's a diamond in the rough. whatever. But he's not. In fact, he's far from it.

He's a lying, cheating, two timing, heart breaking rat who will try to break my heart. Good thing, GOOD THING an Angel fell from somewhere in the desert and saved me. If she didn't step in and told me, my stupid blind heart would have fallen. THANK GOD SHE KNOCKED SOME SENSE IN TO ME.

A few people said well-deserved "I TOLD YOU SO."s and a few others were disgusted and mad at the person. I am too, except that instead of mad, I think I am more sad for him. He's really a good person - tanga lang or even insensitive lang. I just think he's messed up for lying to two women blatantly like that.

... and he says he wont hurt me. HA! Bastard. I dont know. he already did.

.. i am stupid for waiting for him all the time. I am stupid for trying. I am stupid for even considering to be his girl -- I am naive and I think, thats my downfall...

but this might be a blessing in disguise. it made me closer to friends. and possibilities.. should we still flirt with danger? Maybe... :D

Haha.

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Random thoughts from BLOODY MONDAY

Adjusting to a new way of working on a Bloody Monday is fun. It's one of those days where I miss being in school again. Technically, it's a holiday. Kids everywhere, school-aged kids, do not have school. It's one of those Gloria-moved holidays where were supposedly celebrating the commemoration of EDSA Revolution today. Bleh. I don't feel or see that, its an ordinary HOT Monday today. The only Celebration I got was when Dad said we were going out for lunch and that means - FREE LUNCH!! -- GOOD LUNCH too... :D Shakey's Pizza and Mojos with my brother and sister and dad :D loads of fun!!

Aside from that, it's an ordinary day. I'm having my 2nd cup of coffee today -- it's almost 3:00 PM and it's T minus two hours til I take off. :D Yay, I am looking forward to a long hot bath at home, starting a new project (Since Lester hasn't returned my main project - Savanini's blanket!) and watching Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief on DVD. It would be nice if someone could save me from Medusa again. She's freaky. A pat on the head or holding my hand would be nice.

Last night, I talked to Jem about my oh-so small world, after all and chocolates as well as her international, pseudo love affairs that never materialize. It was fun. I missed her. There will surely be a JAMIE day in the near future soon. I just love that girl -- she is full of positive energy. She's a ball of fire, a light and well one of the truest friends in the whole wide universe.

... One more hour til I take off...

I am still reeling from yesterday's trip. Dreamy smiles and imagination is running wild. I still have to reel it in.

Im in a little trouble. About what? Im being really impulsive again. Hopefully this gut instinct is right. But what if... what if... there are so many what ifs...

--- STOP ---

BLINK. DEAD.

Jem told me last night it was confirmed that VB is gay. I am dead. seriously gay. as in "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND GAY" no wonder he's hot. No wonder he's odd. Yet, he's still a fine specimen of a man. so i woe to the loss of him.

BUT WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

--BREATHE--

Back to reality. Back to work for me. I will be back to rant more tonight

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On Promises

PROMISE. One word. Seven letters. A bazillion meanings. Probably one of the most abused and misused word in the dictionary. Also a word that I both love and abhorr -- probably the word I am most sensitive about - aside from "Love". It's a word I think about the most, and put meaning into the most.

So, in layman's terms what is a promise?

According to wikipedia,

A promise is a transaction between two or more persons whereby the first person undertakes in the future to render some service, gift or assurance to the others or devotes something valuable now and here to his use.

So basically, a promise in a legal sense is a transaction. It's a deal. An exchange of values. you are expected to deliver by that person you made that promise to. Because you have put on the table something valuable for that person - in the near future or more.

To me, what is a promise?

A promise is a solemn declaration and a commitment to do something or to follow through a course of action. It is synonymouse to swear, vow, pact -- and it is sacred. I do not take it lightly. Everytime someone says, I PROMISE I expect people to follow through.

Boy: I promise, I'll text you when I get home.

Maia: Ok.

6 hours later. Boy never texts. Maia is pissed. Boy wonders why.

Boy: why are you so pissed?

Maia: You promised.

Boy: ... ang babaw, adik!

Maia: you said you promise.

Yeah. mababaw.Who cares? If you promise, I don't take it lightly.I will expect it. Because you promised. you vowed to me. I expect it done.

As for me, I dont back down on my promises. I follow through. Even when it means eating my pride, risking my life or doing things that I am not used to. Promises are sacred. PERIOD. I dont promise anything I cannot do.

Promises are made to be broken.

So, maybe there is truth to this. Because I have met plenty people who have done it. What? I had the "to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer and til death do us part" promise become bullshit at one point in my life.

In fact, people still hurt me with broken promises. It's the ONE THING that breaks me and pisses me off to no end. Broken promises hurt me the most. Because you ruined the trust I had for you, you made me stop believing you and that to me hurts.

But I still keep believing in the power of promises.

It might be kind of stupid, you know, getting back on the horse after getting kicked off, thrown off and run over, but I still believe that someone will actually make a promse to me that will last. Promises are built on trust. Trust builds love. And love... well you get my drift. So, If you promise to me it's something big to me. It means a lot.

And to me, a person who keeps his promises, is a person worth knowing - and a person worth loving. And if I find a person who would promise me everything and pull through with it and then it is worth it.

HE promised and I know HE will deliver.

I believe that. I never doubt that.

This is the most important PROMISE.

The most important promise I keep in my heart is the Lord's promise that he will never leave me. Maybe that's why I keep believing because someone out there, still keeps his promises and will never allow me to break down.

At least I know I can trust someone and truly believe in HIS promises...

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Bitch in the house

If there's such a thing as a Bitch-meter I will be off the scales today. Though, its funny. It started to be such a good day, I was even singing to LOVELESS by YAMAPI while putting on my make-up in the staff room. But then something must be in the air because as soon as I learned that some of my files were missing -- I flew off the handle and started bitching.

I was such in a foul mood that everyone was on their tippy toes around me. Maybe it was lack of sleep. But yeah i was worse than a firecracker...or an atomic bomb... BOOM!

anyway, i mellowed down in the after lunch. A little. Until some demanding SOB decided to bring the bitch back. Why oh why do they have to come at 4:30 and demand to release their papers ... WITHOUT SO MUCH OF A THANK YOU? ...

I . want. to. kick. something.

Plus, the fact that I'm annoyed at a certain someone is pissing me off too.

gah.

I think I am going to sleep. Like now.

Hopefully tommorow I'll be perky again

PS.. I miss a certain person... why am i missing him? why am i looking forward to seeing a demi god?

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Hearts day and Fabulous 30

I'm 30. It's a damn fact. It doesn't really feel any different- except for the fact that I have, in my mind, aged. Yesterday, I made a big fuss all about it. I threw a party for a small group of friends, reconnected, laughed, sang and thought about how lucky I was to come to this age.

I had a blast on my fabulous 3-0 party. Good clean fun with people who are sane, not drunk or do not want to get drunk. Food and laughter were all that mattered, stories, new and old, catching up -- looking into the future and telling each other hopes and dreams. Most people were gearing towards families, careers, and change. Life caught up with us Peter Pans and finally made us grow up.

The guestlist was not a multitude. Just a good small group -- enough to have a party, and enough to have time to bond with each.

JM and Bev ( the best couple in the world) is married and has a wonderful daughter (my pretty goddaughter), stella and another on the way. Joel and Jan have been together for four years and getting ready to get hitched. Cheryll and her husband are trying to have kids. Luci ( because I refuse to call him martin) and I were the only singles there -- and still we were unsure of what to do about ourselves.

Most of them I havent seen for a decade or more ( except for JM and Bev) and it was really refreshing and inspiring to talk to them. We talked about our love stories - kilig ones from che and joel, while both luci and I had a sad existence. yet there is still hope.

Maturity. I thought everyone finally got that. Though, a few were still carefree. It amazed me that people who I used to talk to about homework now are talking about children, childbirth and rearing kids. Speaking of, I really want kids of my own too. a family, i guess its time to get serious.

The party ended at 2:30 AM with Luci bringing in laughter about crazy things he's done. I swear, the party would have been dead without him. He was my seatmate in 4th year, a good friend and I am glad I found him on amazing facebook. :D



V-day.

HAPPY HEARTS DAY. Honestly, its a lot of fluff. But it could be the start of something new. Had dinner with a good friend, bonded, laughed and it was cool. Good friend was Luci. :D Now, before anyone could react, I want you to know that it was completely platonic. Just good friends going out. So shut it. (RIIIGHHHT!)

Defensive? Not really.

He's been a crush. senior year. Yeah (cues in Maybe this time by Michael Murphy)... not really expecting anything but.. allow me to squeal...

He's still cute, funny and better than I kinda thought. I look forward to spending time with him.

Romance front? I don't know. But at least-- I had a great valentine

--

I look forward to the coming year. it seems all positive for me...

PICS: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=395989&id=554995084

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My birthday fear

im older. i should get into a more serious state of mind. But i feel like peter pan, I don't want to grow up... not really. But, I really have to. It's necessary, if I want a family and if I want to move on. I have taken life lightly up to now. Seriously, I think it step it up. It's not the time to be playing games anymore. I'm old. I feel old. I want to have a serious life. Though, I have to make it happen, it's not going to happen for me.

All I want is to have someone to call my own Someone who my family will love as well, someone I can be seriously in love with. Someone who would totally support me in everything I do, and have done. In fact, I think there is-- but there is a serious fear in me. SERIOUS FEAR. That someone will actually throw me out again. That I would be hurt.

I hurt people before they do. That's all... That's it. But I cannot help it. I really need to have someone admiring me, loving me. Taking care of me in my life. I know it sucks. But that's me.. my weakness is love.

But i will be stronger. I will not let fear take over me. I will be happy.

I PROMISE

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10 years. 10 days. 10 hours.

10 years.

9 days to go. I'll be 30. the Big 3-0. Nearly out of the calendar. And what have I done in my life. I don't know really if I'm excited or not. All I know is that it's big, it's the start of a new decade. And so, what do I have to say for myself this decade? hmmm..

MARIA: The telenovela

Starring: Me

Yep. It's that crazy. The last 10 years have been probably the most stressful, craziest ive ever been. Roaring 20s? more of Dazed and confused. I think I need a recap.

20 - started with a bang. literally. left for the US

21- adjustment to life in the US.

22-fell in love

23 - got married

24- bliss

25- hell. divorced.

26- INSANITY (temporary or permanent? I dont know) and INDEPENDENCE. Suicidal. death.

27- regret, rewind and restart.reeducate

28 - graduate. rebirth. moving on. ice.

29 - stability, change, and the taming of the beast. Broken again.

so there. the clearly vague description of my life. I want to write a book or a screenplay. I'd probably make millions. I want Anne Curtis or ... hmmm... Mariel to act as Maria. or someone equally fashionable and fabulous. Just not Judai -- ewww! Or KC... i dont like her.

yes, again, i lived the fabulous drama filled life. And I am bearing the burden of it. I made a lot of stupid choices - mostly , impulsive, rash and immature choices that ruined me entirely. I don't regret them. ( most of them, at least) I know what I did and I know that whatever I decided was what I have to face up to.

So my heart is totally duct taped, broken and almost hanging by the skin -- and i am hoping that I don't get broken once more.

As for my spirit, it was on an all time low the last decade, but I decided that 2010 will be a year of the FABULOUS. I have to stay positive. I had a makeover. I am losing more weight. I am going to get it this year.

It's time to grow up, Maria. No more dilly-dallying. You may look 21, but in actuality you're 30.

I am reconnecting with people. I can't hide forever. I am starting to show myself out there. Because if I don't, I'll never find him. I'll never find love. I'll never find happiness.

It's not that LOVE= HAPPINESS. No. It's just that I think deep within me, I want to settle down. I want to be tamed. I want to be blissfully happy with someone who would take care of me. I am scared of dying alone.

I am not empty handed. I have a list of admirers/ beaus/ friends/ special friends/etc. Yet, I guess my heart grew tired of falling in love and falling out of love and my brain is starting to work. I've turned into ice. And lately, its been tough to crack.

I've tried to date. But would you call it love? More of like. Infatuation. Deep special friendship. But love? ... maybe not to that extent that i would die for him. Yes, maybe there was love, but it wasnt enough to hold me.

But its 2010. I have to make it happen. I have to change the fact that I am alone. I have to find it. I have to get it, I'll be a success. I have to start to fly. SO watch out world, I am back with the vengeance. I AM READY. AND IM PLAYING FOR KEEPS.

*click*

10 days.

The past 10 days have been a whirlwind of events that started from someone away from me. I miss him. He's close to me after all. The friendship is great. He loves me. I dont know if he's the right person for me.

Then there's the wonderful reconnection weekend with two people. A friend from 20 years back and a college crush who asked me out and I was eager to see. There was great conversation and magic. Catching up with old friends does that, when you get into the zone where you reminizce too much, think about the coulda-shoulda-woulda, get proud of how much you've changed. Tell people how strong you've become and show them that you're basically not a failure in life.

And believe me, that wasn't easy. Why?

Because I didnt really make the best impression on people in the past. I was so insecure that i let myself make the worst decisions when it came to relationships , friends and my life. I never thought I was pretty. I always thought that I was a nerd, weirdo or the laughing stock. I always thought that I wasnt that smart. I was really hard on myself - because - well, let's not point fingers here, but I never felt that I was special in any way.

From time I remembered, I was always compared and always the underdog. I wanted to be as pretty, not as awkward and as sociable as my cousins but I didn't know how. I was different, and I relished in it.

Now, 10 years after, I learned that I could have been that girl. The IT girl. Because it is only now that I found the confidence and the beauty in myself that I wish I saw years ago. Maybe, if I did, I wouldn't be making bad decisions. Maybe if I loved myself before as much as I love myself now, then I would be doing great now.

But it's no time to regret, it was a learning experience that I have to move from. I have learned and I am happy. :D I know that things will be great.

I am actually proud of myself now. Proud that I became who I am now. That I overcame myself at my worst and became this person I would want to be. A person who I want to hang out with, a person who I can actually show off. It only took 10 years...

Lately, I have been making all efforts to reconnect with my past. I want people to change their idea of who I am and I wat them to get to know the NEW ME.... Its an amazing feeling. Plus, you get to learn new things you didnt know. Such as, who liked you before and not.

There is someone who said they liked me since college too that I am getting to know. It's been good so far. Maybe, its a possibility. My mind is open to a lot of that.

The past 10 days brought something back that I didn't know I had still. A romantic streak... getting asked out by a college crush is always ---- ALWAYS something good. I felt pretty. I felt desired. And I also felt "KILIG"... OH MY. GOD.

Nobody really knew I liked him too. :D I kept that crush to myself because he wasn't that "cool". But I always liked him. :D He was baby faced with to die for hair. And when I saw him again, I thought wow, it was still there. His shining eyes, the smile -- *kilig*. His personality was even more enticing. I loved his personality. I loved how strong he was. I admired him for who he has become.

We both were 2nd chances. meaning, we had a chance for love and marraige but both got blown away. and thank heavens for facebook, we got reconnected. But, i do believe that it is something magical -- coz something in me clicked. The ice has started to melt away, block by block... and maybe just maybe there was something there. I was giddy, I was happy -- and for the first time in a long time, I was dreamy.

The last of the 10 days, I suffered. I suffered the fate of a girl who is confused, trying to control herself and arguing with herself over and over. Reel it in, Mind over heart. Never rush. we dont want another stupid mistake. Yet, it was fun a new overwhelming feeling....

I also got harrassed, had super bad days and met new friends. Special people got sick and I felt the all time low this week. I was paranoid, crazy and cried randomly. But its all part and parcel of being me. :D this crazy girl is now back to her sane self.

Next 10? Let's hope for progress....

10 hours.

I talked to my SUPER SPECIAL FRIEND last night. Bonding. It was great. I got a lot off my chest. I opened up a lot. Things have been busy, productive and since its a Friday, fabulous as of late. :D you dont get any better than this.

I learned too, a few minutes ago that someone is giving birth. Oh, WHAT A BLESSING. yes ... this is a wonderful day.

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