101 Proofs off Geekiness

I found a good blog on the Freshly Pressedabout geekhood. I was inspired to admit to my own inner geek and channel it. To tell you the absolute truth, beyond this fashionista girl exterior, there is a full blown100% baddasstastical geekazoid living in me. How geeky is geeky? This is serious. I And if you want proof, I have it.

The picture on te left is one. That is how I used to look before. and I thought that was cool ( HEY! IT WAS AND I MADE THAT HAT!)

So if you really want to kno, below are my 101 Proofs that I am a geek. (more…)

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Things that I didn't say...

Yesterday was Luci's day. It was his 29th wonderful year on this planet and I tried my hardest to make it special for him, since it is the first really big occasion we are going to celebrate together as a couple. I did a lot for him - went to extra miles to get everything ready for his special day and yet, I really felt that it wasn't enough.

These are the things I did for him:

• I gave him a surprise early Birthday party last March 13, 2010 wherein his very best friends came and I met them for the first time.
• I gave him postcards and tried to have a wax seal made for him (still under process)
• Gave him a birthday card.
• Made him Gir (dog and bot versions) in crochet.
• We went to Ocean Park yesterday and I spent the WHOLE day with him. =)

It seems a little compared to the way I feel that it should be celebrated. I know, I know some of you think that it's enough. Maybe some would say that I have gone far and beyond expectation of what girlfriends should be doing. But I feel quite the opposite. I want to do soooo much more, but lack of funds, lack of time and lack of freedom would hinder me from doing so. Maybe I should be content on what I have done and hope that he loved and enjoyed them.

Yesterday, we went to Ocean Park. It was fun. We ate at Makansutra (Asian Food Village) and pigged out (literally) on Pad Thai, Satay and the like. Then we looked at fish in the park and had fun just being like children and relaxing. It wasn't really the place that we're at that mattered. It was the company. Honestly, we could be in Luneta walking around and it would still rock, just the same. He's easy company. I have fun when I am with him. He cracks me up with his jokes, makes me feel beautiful and wanted. He makes me feel like I don't have to try to be someone else around him. He loves me for ME. And NO ONE, as in NO OTHER GUY has done that for me. PERIOD.

He loves me for who I am, for simply being me. He loves me completely. He lets me fly and tells me what a wonderful person I am. He gave me my wings back. And that 's what I love about him.

I could go on and on about him, but I am going to completely miss the purpose of this blog if I do. I will leave that for another entry and get back to my story.

While looking at fish yesterday, I stared up at him and he looked down at me and asked. "Whyyy??" He usually does that anyway, when I just simply looked at him. Normally, I would banter, but yesterday, I couldn't. I looked away and smiled. I said it was nothing. He insisted it was something. I left it at that. There were things I could not say at the moment, because I fear that I would cry that moment.

But what I really wanted to say was this:

Love, I want to thank you. Just for being with me, for accepting me for who and what I am completely - No IFs nor buts. Thank you for wanting to dream with me, allowing me to fly, allowing me to rant and listening to me. Thank you for being that person who would slap me in the face if I was being stupid - it shows how much you love me because you don't want me to fall into harm. Thank you for making plans with me- for showing me honest, true and complete love that you are not afraid to show to ANYONE.

Thank you for being you. For being cynical, logical, very non-magnanimous, because of you I learn that I should never be too emotional. Love, thank you so much for believing in me when no one has done so. You have given me the boost that I needed for so long. You never made me feel insecure about myself. You made me happy to work, you challenged me and made me feel very alive.

Thank you for being honest with me. For being straight up with your feelings. Thank you also for just being there. I love having someone to communicate my everything to. You are now my closest friend, my confidante, my heart and my partner.

In this stage of our relationship, where we are still getting to know each other and making sure that things are going to the right path. Allow me to apologize in advance for any stupidity, tactlessness, insensitivity or any other random hurts that I may give you. Please know that I love you and have never loved anyone this complete and honest as you.

I am scared of what I am feeling for you. Because I could be so candid with you and helpless. I have fallen completely in love with you. I have known you for so long that I am comfortable with you. I always thought back to the 4C days when you were beside me. Being seatmates with you was so comfortable that I never changed seats kahit nung magkakatabi na sila Cams, Ella at Czari. I guess, I knew back then that you were just right for me. I just didnt know the full breadth of it at that time.

I hope you know that I am doing a lot of FIRSTS with you. This is the first time I actually took all the effort to introduce my beau to my family - with timing and with being proud of you. I want them to talk to you and see what a wonderful person you are. This is the first time that my mom dressed me for dates and that I really prepare for them. It's the first time I completely let go, let loose and be myself with ANYONE. I am truly being ILOU with you. This is me without the pretensions. This is me - whether you like me or not.

I am so happy with you. I know I want to do everything right with you. I want that future with you. I want you to be my future. I want us to happen. You are my second chance, the answer to my prayers and the person who I want to grow old with. Sana, ikaw na nga yun.

Sappy? Just a little bit. But this is it. This is what I truly feel about him.

I guess... I'm in it for good. I can't wait to see him tommorow.

Oh btw .. the rest of the day with him can be found comic style HERE

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The most beautiful woman in the world

If there was one person who I wanted to be, I would want to be my mother.

My mother is the most beautiful woman in the world. At least in my eyes, She is. She is a true beauty. She, in her youth, rivaled today’s stars. Oh man, am I so lucky to look like her. Though in spite of that me and my mom and I never really got along. Perhaps it was because we were too different, yet ironically, I look most like her. People say that we look like two peas in a pod, like sisters which, of course, I take as a compliment, because she is beautiful. My mother is the most beautiful heart, soul and face that I have seen in my life. It’s just that our ways are just so different – the generation and the thinking we are quite the opposite sides of the pole and we really don’t mix ( at least most of the time). She nags, she’s annoying, she’s very repetitive and totally hurtful in some of the things she says. She’s paranoid and she makes us all paranoid. She also tries to control everything. But, also, she is just being a mother.

There were times that I totally thought I hated her. ( Don’t we all?) I hate the fact that she keeps getting in my business, trying to stop me from having fun and being me. She’s totally a killjoy – that instead of supporting me, she stopped me. She said that what I do, most of the time, is a waste of time. That’s the thing I hated the most about her, is that she wanted to mold me into something I am not.
There was one time, I think it was Second Year High School, when she went into my room and demand that I throw away all the Comic Art that I was doing, I just finished a perfect drawing of Raziel, my latest heroine who was a full breasted, scantily clad raven haired rebel who wears kneehigh combat boots, daisy dukes, a torn tanktop and a red ruby choker brandishing combat knives and a machine gun. She was to me, a beauty – but my mom said it’s pornography and threw out even my Sailormoon drawings saying that It’s the work of the devil. And that I should draw Jesus Christ instead. From then on, I stopped trying to be a comic artist and hid all my art from her. For the longest time, I had rebelled. I wanted to be everything she was NOT. Why? Because, I thought that was who I am supposed to be. I thought that she wasn’t cool – that she was backward and against the times. I thought she was spoiling my fun and that she didn’t understand my needs. I thought that I didn’t need her and ignored and spited her. I grew up thinking that I was a rebel – but in actuality my mother had won.
Even if I said I was a rebel, I wasn’t actually that bad.I didn’t join gangs. I got good grades. I was pretty much home all the time ( though I did resent her for that), I didn’t go to parties. I spent my time reading books, dwelling in fantasy worlds, writing stories that are I once again, not good enough and EVIL ( though they were just fanfiction and mostly just science fiction/ fantasy stories about elves, mutant powers and the like). I didn’t drink too much and even as an adult, I count the times when I really really really REALLY got drunk. I wasn’t promiscuous. I didn’t even do drugs. My rebellion started and ended In looking like a bad girl – but without the attitude nor the evil works. Pretty much, I was and will always be a “good girl”. So she won. I couldn’t be totally opposing to her.

How did she win? I guess it was simple – SHE LOVED ME. UNCONDITIONALLY, IMMEASURABLY and TOTALLY. She was the one person who tried with all her might to love me – this imperfect sinner that I am. Though she was very vocal that she is very disappointed in the person I became, I knew this was her way of saying Ilou, I love you. I didn’t understand that before and would hate her more because of it – but now, I actually do. I got the code. I got it. So even if she scolds me now and says hurtful, painful words, I know it’s her way of saying, I LOVE YOU, DAUGHTER. And that alone, would be enough for me.

Another thing about my mom is that she is so religious. She is so GODLY it’s not funny. But that is her way to make us follow, I listen to her prayers. I try to emulate her- but really, I am not a very religious person. I DO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A GOD OUT THERE – I just don’t adhere much to tradition and all that. One of my mother’s greatest gift to me was the fact that I learned one basic thing – that prayer ( no matter how simple) works to calm me down.

I learned this most at the worst part of my life. When I was in Chicago, broke and broken, wanting to die, delirious and crazy. Just when I thought I was at the bottom and no one would ever love me – my mom calls. Oh God, I go crazy everytime that happens because I feel her immeasurable love for me, yet because of this, I couldn’t bear to tell her the reality that was happening to me at that time. I wanted her to think that I was OK when I felt like I was at my wit’s end, I was broke and that I was going insane working 70 hours a week, not happy and eating properly and desperately holding on the the last bits of freedom that I had. Was it really freedom? Maybe I was just stubborn and want the skewed vision of individuality that I thought was right.

I could say it was all other things. I could say that my strength comes from myself – but that would be a total lie. You know who my strength is? My mother. She gives me strength. She fuels me each time she scolds me, she challenges me, she makes me want more out of life. And I beat myself up everyday over the fact that the person who I hurt the most is the person who loves me the most – the person who gives me so much strength and love – the person who picked me up and smacks me in the face (because I need that to actually learn) and still supports me in the best ways she knows how.
I remember during my debut, we didn’t have a plan to actually have a party. But since Lolo insisted, we did. Ideally, Yellow was my favorite color but there was no time at all – she slaved over it and for a month or so prepared my party. But I was being a bitch, and didn’t appreciate that. She gave me a party even if I sinned against her – I was such an ingrate. To top it all off, she took a dress that she loved – a purple beaded dress that she bought FOR HER SELF. ( One thing that she really doesn’t do) and made it into my beautiful debut gown.

I saw in her eyes that she wore the dress again. Admired it, and yet she gave it to me to make me beautiful for my party even if I didn’t deserve it. I DID NOT DESERVE THAT LOVE. I felt it then, but I was such a hard headed, rock hearted bitch that did not express how much she loved her own mother. Yet, right now, I am here, fully aware of her love for me and I am grateful from the bottom of my heart that she gave up so much for me. Ma, THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

My mother is strong. She laughs at the face of depression, she keeps us all strong. She makes us all feel loved. She has everything ready for us and thinks about us all the time. Her priority is her family and we really underappreciate that. Mom, my mother, Susan Castañeda is the MOST WONDERFUL MOTHER IN THE WORLD.

I remember when the WORST thing happened to my family. It was her, HER STRENGTH that kept us alive. It was her strength that kept us sane, happy and normal. Our family went through so much but because she was there, we didn’t fall apart. She is the true pillar of this family – because of mom, our family is SOLID and TOGETHER. We are strong and united because of her. Mom, if you only knew that you were our light during that Nightmare… Thank you.

There’s a lot of Ifs and onlys, and I should really stop thinking about it and make her start feeling it. If only she knew how much I love her. If only she knew how sorry I am for what I have done. If only she knew how much I wanted us to be chummy and best friend like. But, I am always scared of her- of her poisonous tongue and her eyes that seem to see everything. Maybe the reason I am scared is that I could not be totally open to her. But, that is about to change.

My Mother is the ONE PERSON that though we do not see eye to eye – totally loves me and accepts me and has completely grasped me. And I want her to know everything happening and has happened in my life. I want to change US completely. I know it will be difficult, but I hope – I really hope it works. Because, I cannot have her gone from my life. No matter what, she is still my mother, my strength, my beautiful idol.

I have searched for a long time for someone to be like. I tried many idols from Japanese idols to Audrey Hepburn but, you know what, it is only now that I am 30 that I realize that there is one person who I really want to be like and she is right at home. I want to be like my mother, when I grow up. I want to be my OWN version of MOM.

I want to be like her. I want to be so like her – in every way (except maybe, I want to be thinner than her). I want to emulate her strength, I want to be as prayerful, as family oriented, as accepting, open minded, as God-like and God Fearing and as beautiful in heart mind and soul. I want to have her great and open laugh, her wisdom and her great cooking. I want to be as great as her. I want to be a sister like her who loves unconditionally. I most especially want to be a mother like her. I think, if I become like her, no one would say “You have to go.”to me. No one would throw me away. No one would make me feel like trash.

Ma, allow me to be your apprentice. I have been stupid and stubborn and crazy. I know I’ve said this before, but this is a different confession. This is a confession of my LOVE for you. I may look ungrateful and that I rebel against you. I understand why you could not trust or feel that I deserve less love, but please Ma, I need you and love you. I will NOT hurt you again. ( or at least I will try). I LOVE YOU. I HONESTLY DO.

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Where Grammar meets Numbers and FUGLY to FAB

Before I get to the main topic of this blog, allow me to rant a little about the current colors of 2010. The new uniforms just came. it's up there. In oh so jellybean colors that make me go GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! And makes my inner fashionista cry... OH MY GOD!

Dear Fashion Gods, I hope you got my letter... WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

How in Mr and Ms Jay's stillettoed catwalk do I make this monstrosity HOT. I guess it's the

hate this uniform. Here are my top 3- but not limited to these, rants about the uniform

1. it's in jelly bean colors. Not that I hate jellybeans, but I do not like wearing jellybeans. But we look like BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOR BEANS

There's: PUKE GREEN, PINK THAT SCARED BARBIE, OLD WOMAN ORANGE and TAN. The only decent color is TAN. and it's in the old gradeschool teacher design too. It looks like what my teachers in CSA wore back in 1985.

1. It's HOT. like the material is about a million degrees... and how hot is it outside again? AH!!
2. the design: Design A has ruffles. RUFFLES!! it makes me look huge. :( and ....like an old patooty- grade school teacher!!! GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! While design B: makes me look like ms. minchin!! OH HOLY GOD. NO!

Thank GOD for Make Up, creativity, a COAT and stillettoes.. I swear I will make the monstrosity look hot. :( I WILL! I WILL!!

ON TO NICER THINGS...

It's been a while since I drew... and I was inspired. So here, I made a digital art of me and Luci....

Now, at least that's cute... :D it's called Where Grammar meets Numbers.. *lesigh*

my day? Basically bored, but inspired. My bohemian streak is coming back.. thanks to luci.

The story behind the picture:

He loves math and is good at math. I like my Arts and letters. he's not creative, I am. But I can't do math to save my life. So, here, Math meets Arts and Letters in a balancing combination. I feel it's just -- PERFECT.

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Mr. Just-Right Checklist

Here is the list i wrote waaaaaaaaaay back in 2nd year college of the ideal man / my mr. just-right.... the ones marked in RED are the ones which Luci crossed out.

1. Responsible guy with a job
2. reasonably cute (chinito preferred)
3. smart/intelligent (or at least has semblance of a brain)
4. Loves music (old school/new)
5. Loves anime/ japanese entertainment
6. interested in my hobbies/ likes
7. funny and likes to have fun
8. has passion for something
9. likes kids
10. is a gamer/ geek
11. understands my fandoms/ geekiness
12. likes to read
13. has individuality (no like drones)
14. has strength of character
15. is a MAN (real man, not a boy)
16. could be my best friend
17. must love animals
18. must be firm and mature
19. can control me gently
20. someone i can trust COMPLETELY. NO IFS or BUTS.
21. Someone who listens to me
22. Someone with goals
23. loyal (one man woman)
24. is a child within as well (playful)
25. romantic/ sweet

Now... I wonder, why I didn't see Luci back then?

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my love letter to coffee

Dear Coffee,

I tried to break up with you today. I failed. It seems that no matter how I try, I couldn't break up with you. I need you in my life. I enjoy you with lots of milk, and sugar. As I’ve gotten older and my tastes have grown, you’ve been by my side, constantly evolving yet always a stable friend that I could count on.

I used to hate you. I used to think Tea was cooler than you, healther and sweeter. I still do, actually... But no one gives me power like you do. No one refuels me like you do.

I love the warmth you bring to my soul and the vitality you bring to my mind. I start each day with your gentle coaxing and you get me through the afternoon lows. I enjoy you hot, iced, with chocolate, vanilla, cinnamon and sugar. You’re feisty as a short espresso and your smooth and steady as the American variety.

I couldn’t imagine my life without you. Please, let us never break up again.

I LUV U, COFFEE.

Maia

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Old Friends, New Friends

I'm frustrated and disappointed. I actually feel like a fool for thinking that things are going to magically happen and this party would be a success. But it didn't - it was an effin failure. In fact, I would never again attempt anything like this to save myself from frustration and pain.I thought I could really bring back old ties.... but apparently not. UGH. So out with the Old "friends" in with the NEW

Anyway, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. You see, I planned this Surprise party for Luci. Where his best friends would come to surprise him for his Birthday (Mar 27 pa dapat pero aalis si Laura so this week was the best we can come up with) I had bought cake, brought him presents and well.. prepared so at least that part was good.

I was thrilled to find out that Laura, Dodie and Kent were coming. They were Luci's bosom buddies. I am also nervous since it was the first time. Yet, I think I hit it off with them. Im hoping we'd be good buddies from now on... :D

Laura is a woman- true blue, smart, cool, opinionated and very straightforward. Yet a woman through and through. Dodie seemed laid back, quiet but full straight on dude who is funny. Kent is a wonderful flamboyant bearer of the rainbow flag. so put them together with my luci, its one hilarious night.

I had fun, despite of the fact that i got stood up. :D maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe its time to cut off old ties and make new ones...

Besides, There's also the fact that I am falling deeper in love with him..

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Love Happened. A Confession.

Sometimes, you just have to let it happen. I think the best things in life happen when you simply don't try. It is when you let go that things just magically take shape and you'll be surprised that suddenly, everything falls into place -- when you don't even have to try. I have spent my life looking for that person. You can call him anything - Prince Charming, THE ONE, Mr. Right, The love of your life - but he's still the same person that everyone is looking for the one who completes you, who balances you out and the one who loves you for who you are, what you are and who you will be.

I thought I found him once or twice. The last was a disaster. Jumping in headfirst in a total commitment is plain stupid. It's nice after the first year, but after that it all goes downhill - unless he is your match. So, after getting burned, I decided that though I was born naturally boycrazy, I will try not to get another boy to hurt me. I became the Ice Queen.

Once or twice, someone knocks into my titanium steel vault, ice kept and code locked heart. I went on a date with a One Date Wonder who disappeared on me after making me hopeful. But he's a good guy and I know he has priorities other than romance, so that one I let go. Someone tried to fool me again -- and yes, I found out after much drama. But, you know what, because of that person.. the fool -- it brought me closer to the person I am supposed to be with. So thanks, fool!

What am I trying to say here? Do you get it? What I am trying to say is that finally after much drama and searching and pain and hurt... someone finally unlocked the vault, melted the ice and decrypted the code -- quite by accident actually. I could say that " The search is over... Love happened."

HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

Well.. it could be magic, or maybe someone heard her plea.. but this is what happened... Most people would think it's cliche' but maybe this is the best way I could describe it.

LOVE HAPPENED.

Two old friends meet again

Wearin’ older faces

And talk about the places they’ve been

He was my High School Seatmate. He loved chess and math. I loved games, knives and was trying at that time to be a part of the 'girly' crowd. He sat next to me the whole year. I noticed him. Who wouldn't with that commercial hair, dimples and that unique laugh? Plus, he was smart - smarter than the average male... and something about him made me think about him. He fascinated me- but still, I didn't want to believe it and told myself, he's just a buddy.

He was part of my 18 roses in my debut. For some odd reason, I thought it would just be appropriate to add him there. He was special. He was just there - plus he to me was a great person.

Still, at that time, i had a beau-- it never would have worked out. College happened. We were in the same college but never really spoke or saw each other. It was resigned to my memory

Two old sweethearts who fell apart

Somewhere long ago

How are they to know

Someday they’d meet again

And have a need for more than reminiscin’

12 years later...

I was turning 30. worried that I would never find the man of my dreams. Maybe my standards were too high. or something. But, randomly browsing through the wonderful world of faceook(THANK YOU FACEBOOK!) , I was surprised to find him. I added him, he added me back. Found him online.

Me: LUCIIIIIIIIII! <3

Him: Ola!

that was it. we started talking and I knew he had to be invited to the Fabulous 3-0. He did say yes, we exchanged numbers. He called me. I can't believe it. I almost died. I'm pretty sure I did. Then after talking a while -- we started texting and of course, I couldn't stop thinking... seriously even if I wanted to. Something told me this was different...

It’s the same old feeling back again

It’s the one that they had way back when

They were too young to know when love is real

But somehow, some things never change

And even time hasn’t cooled the flame

It’s burnin’ even brighter than it did before

It got another chance, and if they take it…

Fabulous 30 happened. When I saw him, seriously it was out of a movie scene. i started feeling the flush in my cheeks rose, i started acting odd. It was attraction at its finest... I tried to ignore it bt it was too real-- so i chose to act cool. But apparently some people read into me. FAIL.

valentine's day. acting like it wasn't such a big deal. But it was. I was fussing over it. I made a big deal out of pampering myself. I wanted to see if this was going to happen. I had the best time. Yet, it was painfully obvious that, he might not like me the same way.

The next Saturdays were bliss... it seemed that one thing led to another. Movie after movie. Coffee after coffee. It just happened. I knew by the time he saved me from Medusa and held my hand that I was doomed. Vault opened. When he put his arm around me casually at seaside, I melted. Then again, it might only be me. I was confused. Because all signals led to one thing-- but he said another... I was practically going mad.

He was perfect for me. He balanced me out. He kept me smiling, hopeful and positive. He understood everything about me. He listened to me. He fascinated me. He let me be me. He loves me for the geek I am. He likes my geekiness. He makes me feel beautiful. He gives me security. He gave me hope. He made me feel special -- but who am I to him?

I got shot down. not once but twice. Or at least I thought I did. yet something kept me hopeful. Crossed my fingers and said a prayer. who knows, right? I took the plunge.

She’s smilin’ like she used to smile way back then

She’s feelin’ like she used to feel way back when

They tried, but somethin’ kept them

Waiting for this magic moment

It happened. I took a risk and changed the FB status. I didn't want to be anyone else's but his. he accepted. I knew then that things will forever be different. I have officially completely fallen in love with him. There's no going back now.

I want to take care of him. I want to be the girl that he loves. I want to love him. that's all...It's funny isn't it.. I wasnt even looking or expecting... but it did... and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want to take care of him and somehow, I know this is it. This is RIGHT.

I love you, Luci... LOVE DOES HAPPEN. I am glad we waited for this magic moment. I am glad it happened when it did...

Maybe this time

It'll be lovin' they'll find

Maybe now they can be more than just friends

She's back in his life

And it feels so right

Maybe this time...

Maybe this time

Maybe this time love won't end

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Labeless Love

What is Romance? I swear, if anyone tells me that it's defined by sweet nothings, flowers, chocolates and teddy bears, I will so scream. Honestly. Romantic ideas are passe to me know - in the Been there, done that kind of way. Though, I still like the idea of presents (who wouldn't?) I found myself not really counting them in my list of things I find important for a partner. I also don't like the idea of LABELS in a relationship.

Things like boyfriend/girlfriend are mere adjectives to me. To me, labels are passe -- and they just add confusion and pressure to couples.Though, admittedly the claiming of a "label" is thrilling to some, it's not for me. Because labels, are what they are, just names -adjectives to describe something or someone. It doesn't really define what or who the person is to you.

Sometimes, a label is all that is! There was no feeling or no deep connection between them them. Sometimes, the label could be the source of confusion where as feelings and deep connections could really be the defining point of things. Labels bring expectations and expectations that are not met bring confusion, frustration, anger and all negative things.

And who needs that?

To me, a Labelless love would suit me just fine. If someone asks me Who is he in your life? Rather than say "My Boyfriend" or something, I would rather say "the one who makes me smile everyday" I think, that is a better "Label" rather than BOYFRIEND.

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Mixed Signals

Welcome to the wonderful world of Dating - or not dating. "Hanging out" with that very interesting FRIEND on a Friday or Saturday night is simply innocent. (But you have to admit that that is what makes your weekend interesting, right?)

It's that thrill that we live for though, that uncertainty- the guessing game, the thrill of the chase. You wait for some one to call, text and sometimes it drives you insane if they don't. You deny to yourself that you don' t like them like them because you don't want to be disappointed if they end up NOT liking you.

But then, signals could go haywire and get confusing. It's worse than getting a rejection because you don't know whats going on. Do you go with it or just forget about it?

Here is a list of Mixed signals that me and my girls hate... feel free to comment and add to the list ...

Mixed signal #1: He holds your hand, he keeps the conversation light and easy but does not say anything.

Mixed signal #2: he says she just wants to be friends and then kisses you.

Mixed signal #3: He asks for your number but never calls.

Mixed signal #4:He always says yes when you ask him out or always asks you out and its just the two of you.

Mixed signal #5: He’s always complimenting you and taking you on lots of “dates,” but he doesn’t even try to kiss you on the lips.

From the experts:

"Let’s get something straight: Most guys aren’t interested in being just friends. If he’s whispering lots of sweet nothings and treating you to nice dinners or fun outings, then he’s into you—but he’s scared that you don’t feel the same. “Lots of guys are so afraid of rejection that they can’t make that first move,” says Feinstein. It’ll be up to you to get the ball rolling, she says. “You may think that your interest in him is obvious, but you’ll need to send some unambiguous clues that you want things to get physical,” she says. So try going for a kiss yourself, or, if that’s not your style, try some subtle moves: holding his hand, standing or sitting a wee bit closer to him than normal, or (here’s the clincher) letting your eyes linger on his lips while he’s talking to you. All clear signs that you’re saying, Kiss me you fool!"

Mixed signal #6: He buys you boyfriendy type gifts for your birthday, for Christmas, he gives you what he got everyone.

Mixed Signal #7: He says he loves you and then does not call or text at all and mysteriously disappears.

Mixed signal #8: He wants to hang out with you, and you only -- but he never says anything about what he is to you.

Mixed signal #9: He always ends up sitting next to you everywhere and waiting for you and talking to you - and he says its nothing.

Mixed signal # 10 : He treats you like a princess when youre together and then ignores you in a crowd.

Its just sad. when you dont know what you are to a person. Guys, don't do that. it hurts not only you but the person who the attentions are directed to. Why cant people be honest?

I know that I am. Sometimes though, my honesty gets me into trouble. But its better that he knows than for me to totally deny and hide it....

You know what.. I hate this.

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Random Thoughts of a Narcoleptic

I was out of the office today. Luckily. I was half asleep the whole day. Narcoleptic because I didnt get sleep. Things were a bit off lately... people keep telling me what to do and not to do and last night I just snapped. Sometimes it's better to just say it out loud than keep it in.

I learned to reel in myself last night and also open up enough to keep my dignity. I learned to defend my pride. God, was I proud of myself? yes. Because now, I know I could keep my emotions in check. I didn't cry as much. Logical thinking - yes.

I'm listening to a song right now that was suggested on a friend's playlist. ( he's got amazing taste in music -- i swear playlist raid!) I love the song. I love the lyrics. will learn on guitar.

Don't Say Goodbye, Say Goodnight

Binocular

i lie awake and feel your nearness i never wanted more than this

i don't wanna run beneath your tears
i don't wanna catch them when they're falling
But its the same old song playin over and over
now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
i hope to see the dawn of daybreak and the sun rise to cloudless skies
and now i've tried to see the truth but i close my eyes
and you were there for me and i was there for you
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
but now i lie upon my face and though we tried
i guess that's the way it's supposed to be
don't say goodbye say goodnight so it's not over
and if you try and answer why it's just over it's goodbye
it's goodbye

Thanks Luci

Anyway, there is forgiveness, but I cannot forget... there is trust to be rebuilt.

Still hoping for something to start...hmmm

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... Follow the gut feel...

Today I learned a valuable lesson on trust, love, friendship and all things in between. Sometimes, you really have to trust your instincts, and your friends. When your friends says that he's a bad person for you, you should think about dating such person -- or proceed with caution as they say. But I was naive and tried to see the good in each person and maybe that's where I was wrong.

You see, smart as I am, my heart is stupid. My heart falls in love at a drop of a hat, a woo, a single touch -- its hotwired to be hypersensitive to romance. Perhaps this is the VALENTINA side they call me for. I was born the day before Valentines day. Doh. I really have to learn to reel it in or cover it slightly with ice again so it becomes something useful again. Right now, I feel that my heart is totally malfunctioning with me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not head over heels totally in love with the person. I like him - as a friend because so far, besides the RED FLAGS and LIGHTS that my friends give me, i still follow what my heart says. Be nice, let him love you. Maybe he's a diamond in the rough. whatever. But he's not. In fact, he's far from it.

He's a lying, cheating, two timing, heart breaking rat who will try to break my heart. Good thing, GOOD THING an Angel fell from somewhere in the desert and saved me. If she didn't step in and told me, my stupid blind heart would have fallen. THANK GOD SHE KNOCKED SOME SENSE IN TO ME.

A few people said well-deserved "I TOLD YOU SO."s and a few others were disgusted and mad at the person. I am too, except that instead of mad, I think I am more sad for him. He's really a good person - tanga lang or even insensitive lang. I just think he's messed up for lying to two women blatantly like that.

... and he says he wont hurt me. HA! Bastard. I dont know. he already did.

.. i am stupid for waiting for him all the time. I am stupid for trying. I am stupid for even considering to be his girl -- I am naive and I think, thats my downfall...

but this might be a blessing in disguise. it made me closer to friends. and possibilities.. should we still flirt with danger? Maybe... :D

Haha.

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On Promises

PROMISE. One word. Seven letters. A bazillion meanings. Probably one of the most abused and misused word in the dictionary. Also a word that I both love and abhorr -- probably the word I am most sensitive about - aside from "Love". It's a word I think about the most, and put meaning into the most.

So, in layman's terms what is a promise?

According to wikipedia,

A promise is a transaction between two or more persons whereby the first person undertakes in the future to render some service, gift or assurance to the others or devotes something valuable now and here to his use.

So basically, a promise in a legal sense is a transaction. It's a deal. An exchange of values. you are expected to deliver by that person you made that promise to. Because you have put on the table something valuable for that person - in the near future or more.

To me, what is a promise?

A promise is a solemn declaration and a commitment to do something or to follow through a course of action. It is synonymouse to swear, vow, pact -- and it is sacred. I do not take it lightly. Everytime someone says, I PROMISE I expect people to follow through.

Boy: I promise, I'll text you when I get home.

Maia: Ok.

6 hours later. Boy never texts. Maia is pissed. Boy wonders why.

Boy: why are you so pissed?

Maia: You promised.

Boy: ... ang babaw, adik!

Maia: you said you promise.

Yeah. mababaw.Who cares? If you promise, I don't take it lightly.I will expect it. Because you promised. you vowed to me. I expect it done.

As for me, I dont back down on my promises. I follow through. Even when it means eating my pride, risking my life or doing things that I am not used to. Promises are sacred. PERIOD. I dont promise anything I cannot do.

Promises are made to be broken.

So, maybe there is truth to this. Because I have met plenty people who have done it. What? I had the "to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer and til death do us part" promise become bullshit at one point in my life.

In fact, people still hurt me with broken promises. It's the ONE THING that breaks me and pisses me off to no end. Broken promises hurt me the most. Because you ruined the trust I had for you, you made me stop believing you and that to me hurts.

But I still keep believing in the power of promises.

It might be kind of stupid, you know, getting back on the horse after getting kicked off, thrown off and run over, but I still believe that someone will actually make a promse to me that will last. Promises are built on trust. Trust builds love. And love... well you get my drift. So, If you promise to me it's something big to me. It means a lot.

And to me, a person who keeps his promises, is a person worth knowing - and a person worth loving. And if I find a person who would promise me everything and pull through with it and then it is worth it.

HE promised and I know HE will deliver.

I believe that. I never doubt that.

This is the most important PROMISE.

The most important promise I keep in my heart is the Lord's promise that he will never leave me. Maybe that's why I keep believing because someone out there, still keeps his promises and will never allow me to break down.

At least I know I can trust someone and truly believe in HIS promises...

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Hearts day and Fabulous 30

I'm 30. It's a damn fact. It doesn't really feel any different- except for the fact that I have, in my mind, aged. Yesterday, I made a big fuss all about it. I threw a party for a small group of friends, reconnected, laughed, sang and thought about how lucky I was to come to this age.

I had a blast on my fabulous 3-0 party. Good clean fun with people who are sane, not drunk or do not want to get drunk. Food and laughter were all that mattered, stories, new and old, catching up -- looking into the future and telling each other hopes and dreams. Most people were gearing towards families, careers, and change. Life caught up with us Peter Pans and finally made us grow up.

The guestlist was not a multitude. Just a good small group -- enough to have a party, and enough to have time to bond with each.

JM and Bev ( the best couple in the world) is married and has a wonderful daughter (my pretty goddaughter), stella and another on the way. Joel and Jan have been together for four years and getting ready to get hitched. Cheryll and her husband are trying to have kids. Luci ( because I refuse to call him martin) and I were the only singles there -- and still we were unsure of what to do about ourselves.

Most of them I havent seen for a decade or more ( except for JM and Bev) and it was really refreshing and inspiring to talk to them. We talked about our love stories - kilig ones from che and joel, while both luci and I had a sad existence. yet there is still hope.

Maturity. I thought everyone finally got that. Though, a few were still carefree. It amazed me that people who I used to talk to about homework now are talking about children, childbirth and rearing kids. Speaking of, I really want kids of my own too. a family, i guess its time to get serious.

The party ended at 2:30 AM with Luci bringing in laughter about crazy things he's done. I swear, the party would have been dead without him. He was my seatmate in 4th year, a good friend and I am glad I found him on amazing facebook. :D



V-day.

HAPPY HEARTS DAY. Honestly, its a lot of fluff. But it could be the start of something new. Had dinner with a good friend, bonded, laughed and it was cool. Good friend was Luci. :D Now, before anyone could react, I want you to know that it was completely platonic. Just good friends going out. So shut it. (RIIIGHHHT!)

Defensive? Not really.

He's been a crush. senior year. Yeah (cues in Maybe this time by Michael Murphy)... not really expecting anything but.. allow me to squeal...

He's still cute, funny and better than I kinda thought. I look forward to spending time with him.

Romance front? I don't know. But at least-- I had a great valentine

--

I look forward to the coming year. it seems all positive for me...

PICS: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=395989&id=554995084

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My birthday fear

im older. i should get into a more serious state of mind. But i feel like peter pan, I don't want to grow up... not really. But, I really have to. It's necessary, if I want a family and if I want to move on. I have taken life lightly up to now. Seriously, I think it step it up. It's not the time to be playing games anymore. I'm old. I feel old. I want to have a serious life. Though, I have to make it happen, it's not going to happen for me.

All I want is to have someone to call my own Someone who my family will love as well, someone I can be seriously in love with. Someone who would totally support me in everything I do, and have done. In fact, I think there is-- but there is a serious fear in me. SERIOUS FEAR. That someone will actually throw me out again. That I would be hurt.

I hurt people before they do. That's all... That's it. But I cannot help it. I really need to have someone admiring me, loving me. Taking care of me in my life. I know it sucks. But that's me.. my weakness is love.

But i will be stronger. I will not let fear take over me. I will be happy.

I PROMISE

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10 years. 10 days. 10 hours.

10 years.

9 days to go. I'll be 30. the Big 3-0. Nearly out of the calendar. And what have I done in my life. I don't know really if I'm excited or not. All I know is that it's big, it's the start of a new decade. And so, what do I have to say for myself this decade? hmmm..

MARIA: The telenovela

Starring: Me

Yep. It's that crazy. The last 10 years have been probably the most stressful, craziest ive ever been. Roaring 20s? more of Dazed and confused. I think I need a recap.

20 - started with a bang. literally. left for the US

21- adjustment to life in the US.

22-fell in love

23 - got married

24- bliss

25- hell. divorced.

26- INSANITY (temporary or permanent? I dont know) and INDEPENDENCE. Suicidal. death.

27- regret, rewind and restart.reeducate

28 - graduate. rebirth. moving on. ice.

29 - stability, change, and the taming of the beast. Broken again.

so there. the clearly vague description of my life. I want to write a book or a screenplay. I'd probably make millions. I want Anne Curtis or ... hmmm... Mariel to act as Maria. or someone equally fashionable and fabulous. Just not Judai -- ewww! Or KC... i dont like her.

yes, again, i lived the fabulous drama filled life. And I am bearing the burden of it. I made a lot of stupid choices - mostly , impulsive, rash and immature choices that ruined me entirely. I don't regret them. ( most of them, at least) I know what I did and I know that whatever I decided was what I have to face up to.

So my heart is totally duct taped, broken and almost hanging by the skin -- and i am hoping that I don't get broken once more.

As for my spirit, it was on an all time low the last decade, but I decided that 2010 will be a year of the FABULOUS. I have to stay positive. I had a makeover. I am losing more weight. I am going to get it this year.

It's time to grow up, Maria. No more dilly-dallying. You may look 21, but in actuality you're 30.

I am reconnecting with people. I can't hide forever. I am starting to show myself out there. Because if I don't, I'll never find him. I'll never find love. I'll never find happiness.

It's not that LOVE= HAPPINESS. No. It's just that I think deep within me, I want to settle down. I want to be tamed. I want to be blissfully happy with someone who would take care of me. I am scared of dying alone.

I am not empty handed. I have a list of admirers/ beaus/ friends/ special friends/etc. Yet, I guess my heart grew tired of falling in love and falling out of love and my brain is starting to work. I've turned into ice. And lately, its been tough to crack.

I've tried to date. But would you call it love? More of like. Infatuation. Deep special friendship. But love? ... maybe not to that extent that i would die for him. Yes, maybe there was love, but it wasnt enough to hold me.

But its 2010. I have to make it happen. I have to change the fact that I am alone. I have to find it. I have to get it, I'll be a success. I have to start to fly. SO watch out world, I am back with the vengeance. I AM READY. AND IM PLAYING FOR KEEPS.

*click*

10 days.

The past 10 days have been a whirlwind of events that started from someone away from me. I miss him. He's close to me after all. The friendship is great. He loves me. I dont know if he's the right person for me.

Then there's the wonderful reconnection weekend with two people. A friend from 20 years back and a college crush who asked me out and I was eager to see. There was great conversation and magic. Catching up with old friends does that, when you get into the zone where you reminizce too much, think about the coulda-shoulda-woulda, get proud of how much you've changed. Tell people how strong you've become and show them that you're basically not a failure in life.

And believe me, that wasn't easy. Why?

Because I didnt really make the best impression on people in the past. I was so insecure that i let myself make the worst decisions when it came to relationships , friends and my life. I never thought I was pretty. I always thought that I was a nerd, weirdo or the laughing stock. I always thought that I wasnt that smart. I was really hard on myself - because - well, let's not point fingers here, but I never felt that I was special in any way.

From time I remembered, I was always compared and always the underdog. I wanted to be as pretty, not as awkward and as sociable as my cousins but I didn't know how. I was different, and I relished in it.

Now, 10 years after, I learned that I could have been that girl. The IT girl. Because it is only now that I found the confidence and the beauty in myself that I wish I saw years ago. Maybe, if I did, I wouldn't be making bad decisions. Maybe if I loved myself before as much as I love myself now, then I would be doing great now.

But it's no time to regret, it was a learning experience that I have to move from. I have learned and I am happy. :D I know that things will be great.

I am actually proud of myself now. Proud that I became who I am now. That I overcame myself at my worst and became this person I would want to be. A person who I want to hang out with, a person who I can actually show off. It only took 10 years...

Lately, I have been making all efforts to reconnect with my past. I want people to change their idea of who I am and I wat them to get to know the NEW ME.... Its an amazing feeling. Plus, you get to learn new things you didnt know. Such as, who liked you before and not.

There is someone who said they liked me since college too that I am getting to know. It's been good so far. Maybe, its a possibility. My mind is open to a lot of that.

The past 10 days brought something back that I didn't know I had still. A romantic streak... getting asked out by a college crush is always ---- ALWAYS something good. I felt pretty. I felt desired. And I also felt "KILIG"... OH MY. GOD.

Nobody really knew I liked him too. :D I kept that crush to myself because he wasn't that "cool". But I always liked him. :D He was baby faced with to die for hair. And when I saw him again, I thought wow, it was still there. His shining eyes, the smile -- *kilig*. His personality was even more enticing. I loved his personality. I loved how strong he was. I admired him for who he has become.

We both were 2nd chances. meaning, we had a chance for love and marraige but both got blown away. and thank heavens for facebook, we got reconnected. But, i do believe that it is something magical -- coz something in me clicked. The ice has started to melt away, block by block... and maybe just maybe there was something there. I was giddy, I was happy -- and for the first time in a long time, I was dreamy.

The last of the 10 days, I suffered. I suffered the fate of a girl who is confused, trying to control herself and arguing with herself over and over. Reel it in, Mind over heart. Never rush. we dont want another stupid mistake. Yet, it was fun a new overwhelming feeling....

I also got harrassed, had super bad days and met new friends. Special people got sick and I felt the all time low this week. I was paranoid, crazy and cried randomly. But its all part and parcel of being me. :D this crazy girl is now back to her sane self.

Next 10? Let's hope for progress....

10 hours.

I talked to my SUPER SPECIAL FRIEND last night. Bonding. It was great. I got a lot off my chest. I opened up a lot. Things have been busy, productive and since its a Friday, fabulous as of late. :D you dont get any better than this.

I learned too, a few minutes ago that someone is giving birth. Oh, WHAT A BLESSING. yes ... this is a wonderful day.

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Pink Roses : Love is not INSTANT

I got pink roses the other day. 15 long stems of gorgeous pink roses from a mystery person ( who turned out to be not so mysterious). I was flattered, I was flabbergasted that someone would spend at least PHP 3,000.00 on flowers that would wilt, wither and die to win my heart.

The card only said...

How about this?

No name, no address, no clue. Not even a single piece of evidence about the guy who sent it. It was fun thinking that it may be from a certain Prince. But possibilities ran endless. Though, admittedly, I was inwardly thrilled. I just didn't like the stares, intrigue and the person who sent it.

The person soon called and I learned who it was from. I didnt like him. I only liked him as a friend and I would never think in a million years of dating this person. So the flowers lost their appeal the moment I learned who it was from. I got worried that people may think I like him. Blah, blah, blah... I thanked him for the present and insisted then that we just be friends. Yet, he insisted that he wanted a relationship.

In my blog Secreat Admirers, you could read about my thoughts on these guys who send mystery gifts. It may be flattering but it could be also a waste of time. You could also be spending money on a lost cause, so boys, maybe next time, try talking to her first -- diba? but if you just really want to show your appreciation. By all means, Give! GIVE! GIVE!

On another note, is it just me or boys could be so impatient lately. Where are the gentlemen? The kariñoso boys that would woo you and wait? Now, it seems to be all instant. There's no more courting. No more going to the house and trying to win her heart. Everything is done through text. Through phone. INSTANTLY. Everything is just like 3-in-1 coffee. JUST ADD WATER.

I know of couples who just met one day, dated and became a couple the day after. Is that really love? or pure lust? Or maybe desperation? If it works out, then thats amazing and great. If not, could that really be considered a relationship?

*sigh* maybe I'm thinking too much about this. But call me old fashioned, but I like the old way of courtship. I think its sweeter, its nicer and its more reason to be sure to have less heartaches. Right? Plus, if you do so, it could be cheaper too. ahahah!!

Kudos!!

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Secreat Admirers

I guess there are still a few romantics in this world. Today, my friend, Ms. Jo got that humongous teddy bear, a bouquet of flowers, and that mini pillow from an anonymous benefactor. It came during Friday high. When everyone is seriously trying to get everything done, and get out of there to start their weekends. So it was a surprise when the cadets came in with flowers and that huge stuffed animal from Blue Magic.

Of course, we were overwhelmed. There were teasings, cat calls and bets on who it was and Jo was totally flabbergasted. I couldnt contain my curiosity and dove for the card. I practically fell on my knees when it said.

Ms. Joan G,
I love you so much!
Love,
your Secreat Admirer

I was amazed not only because of the amazing spelling of SECRET but also with the boldness and honesty of emotion of whoever gave it to her. I was half kidding when I said that "Jo, di ko kinaya, tinalo mo ang beauty ko. Sino man yan, pakasalan mo na! Laki ng effort sayo! Ang laki ng pagmamahal sa iyo!" Aside from the fact that I was green with envy because I admit that I want a big teddy bear and some romance too, I was also thinking about how many guys would do that in this day and age! She was lucky she found one that was a bit out of the times or just a plain romantic. (Even if we do not know who he is).

I am not new to this. I have my list of secret admirers too. I had a stalker who sent me an engagement ring, a secret admirer who would pay my bills ( I admit he was useful) and a secret admirer who would just text me advice at the right time and would never give his name. Then again, there was the creepy, the corny and worst of all - the annoying.

There is the thrill of knowing someone loves you even if you don't know them. Then again, a big part of you is curious to know who that person is. And me with my impatience and curiosity, I get really annoyed at the fact that people do this behind your back. I mean, why not just get out and say it? Why not be straight up with your feelings? I mean, you already said it! You already gave it and showed the person you liked them. WHY NOT JUST TELL THEM UPFRONT!? I am sure, anyone who is not stonehearted or numb would appreciate the gesture or even respect feelings that you will bring in front of them. I know I do.

Guys that do that only play safe. Seriously, and I think by doing so they are cowards. If you do it once or twice while getting the courage to come up to the girl, that's forgivable. But being a "Secret Admirer" for eternity is dumb. The girl will never get to thank you. She will think that youre a coward and is not serious because you never show yourself. And who knows, what if she already loves/likes you and because of your cowardice, you never knew. It could happen.

So, for all those SECREAT ADMIRERS out there, a word of advice, women like men who can tell us that they love us. We appreciate the courage and the effort more of people who can look us in the eye and tell us in person their feelings. That way, we can let you know if you have a chance or if you should just give up the fight. And one more thing: please, PLEASE spell it right.

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